Sex Is Not A Substitute For Love: Monogamy

You know I have held off writing about my views on this subject. It is simply that talking about monogamy seems to me to involve stating something personal about my current relationship and I tend not to write about anything that is close to a “kiss and tell” concerning my relationship with my partner. I hope you can forgive me but I would rather walk on broken glass than ever do anything to hurt him or make him feel uncomfortable... But as usual though, I keep opening my big mouth without really explaining what I mean and I am quite sure people have a very incomplete picture of what I am saying.

If anything my having grown up in the San Francisco Bay Area and having gone to bath houses back in the days when doing so was not a big deal (Yeah people actually used to admit to going to them.) living the life of a young slut on the go and eventually getting involved with Leather and BDSM, it was I learned to focus on what really matters to me in a relationship and not be distracted by the sordid side issues; for me that is exactly what monogamy falls under, a side issue.

I do not believe monogamy is an important issue in any relationship I am in or ever have been in, I do not believe that being monogamous ensures happiness, nor is it a cure all for a relationship that has serious issues. I think people tend to use it as simply yet another crutch or an excuse to hide the fact they are bad at having relationships based on real values and even worse at dealing with their own sexuality. How many shallow pointless Gay relationships have you seen based solely on looks and sex? I mean come on! It just seems so wrapped up in insecurities with sex and “sex as a substitute for love” that it all comes off sounding more childish to me than anything else when you could essentially summarize it with the old tit-for-tat “If I can’t have sex, neither can you”. Anyway, for me, I don’t build my relationships on sex (although it is a great way to meet people) and I could never honestly figure out why people would end a relationship because of sex. Love sure, communication sure, trust sure, respect or honesty even, but the worst thing in the world to me is to spend all the time and effort of having a relationship that lasts years with someone who would leave you the minute they found someone they liked having sex with more. If that is the case and that happens then in my mind it is not wrong to say that you probably needed to move on for more serious reasons.

Those reasons usually involving lack of trust or lack of communication or lack of respect and lack of honesty.

Don’t go thinking I or my partner are some sorta sex fiends either in fact we are very dedicated to each other and neither of us runs around looking for threesomes or anything like that. I am not talking about some trashy, desperate, idea of free love here. Besides the usual always have safe sex and the like, there should be discussion, agreements, and compromise around this mutual decision to respect the other person and your relationship as well. Little rules like “I always leave the bar with the person I came with unless discussed prior to going out” or “I always come home and never spend the night” or I have seen people do things like “No kissing” or “No second dates”. There are all sorts of things people do to make sure that communication is kept open and there is never a question of trust. So no, I am not saying that non-monogamy is any easier than monogamy it is simply different and more understandable to me.

As I have said before… Hell if I would ever break up years of a good partnership over a fucking blow job!